Palutena's Farting Dilemma
by Smash King24
Summary: Palutena cooks lunch for Pit one day, but ends up adding a forbidden ingredient to the concoction. Now she has power to rival that of a Wario Waft! Oddly enough, this new skill proves to be very useful during matches in the tournament. Free wins is free wins, but is it really that worth it when her friends start shunning her from social events?
1. Chapter 1

Palutena's Farting Dilemma

* * *

One fine day in the Super Smash Bros Mansion, Lady Palutena decided to cook up some delicious grub for her reluctant captain of the guard, Pit. It really wasn't anything out of the ordinary for her since next to sewing, fencing, and clay-making, cooking was one of Palutena's favorite hobbies. The idea itself never sat well with little Pit however, for he had firsthand experience at witnessing the abominations she could conjure when wielding a frying pan and spatula.

"Lady Palutena, please, I'm begging you," said the angel boy worriedly as he sat at the nearby kitchen table. "Don't make me eat your cooking."

Palutena, who was standing by the stove and stir-frying some freshly cut vegetables, didn't seem at all fazed by the boy's pleas. She was perfectly happy playing the cooking mama for today's midafternoon ritual.

"Oh nonsense, Pit," she replied with a smile as a dab of oil splashed onto her "Kiss the Goddess" apron. "You make it sound as if I'm trying to poison you or something!"

If by poison she met "enchanting carrots and making them demonic," then yes, Pit was afraid for his life. He had already tried making several attempts at making a run for it, however, it didn't help that his goddess had his wings under her complete control. She might as well have just strapped him to the chair in leather bounds. Palutena soon began fishing in the cupboards for some spices to add to her concoction.

"Uh… What I meant to say," said her companion as he tried to think up an excuse, "was that I already ate lunch! Yeah, Mario made a bunch of the others some pizza and I was able to grab a few slices from the game room."

"Nice try," said the goddess with a chuckle. "You know as well as I do that Mario doesn't know how to make pizza. That's just some stereotypical slapstick-gimmick-trait that every fanfiction author gives him. Now, where did I…" Her fingers filed through the various containers in the upper cupboard, and thank goodness she was wearing high-heels, otherwise she'd probably find herself climbing on top of the counter. From basils to oreganos to mints and peppers, she searched and searched for just the right ingredient to finish off her magnificent dish. She couldn't help but give a small frown upon realizing that the spice she was looking for was nowhere in sight. "That's strange. Where did all the garlic go?" The lack of response from her subordinate caused her to turn around only to notice that Pit had actually flown the coop again. With a sigh, she grabbed her sceptre, which had been carefully leaned against the nearby counter, and gave it a twirl. Pit came flying back into the room, albeit against his will, screaming and hollering at the top of his lungs until he was properly seated again.

"Don't do this to me Lady Palutena!" he whined. "I'm too young to die!"

"You've still got a lot of growing to do," she replied casually. "Come on now, don't be such a baby." She crouched down and began peering through the various drawers, opening and closing several of them in dismay until she came upon a small purple jar. "Hm?" Palutena reached in and pulled out what appeared to be a special spice container with the words, "Do not touch! Or else I'll kill you!" scribbled on a piece of tape that was plastered to the front. The jar opened with ease as it was only covered by a large cork, and what was inside seemed to be the answer the Goddess of Light had been searching for this whole time. "Ah! Here we go!"

"Oh brother…" mumbled the angel at the table.

She pulled out a fresh clove of garlic, and what a very interesting specimen it was! The smell was absolutely captivating (if you were a person who liked garlic, but who doesn't like a little garlic now and then anyway?) and it had just enough kick to make her want to pinch her nose in irritation. A few slices of these, and her stir-fried veggie surprise would have every Smasher running to her door for seconds! That is, if she planned on giving any of it to them… which she didn't. Almost mechanically, the Goddess of Light pulled out a knife and began slicing and dicing the garlic clove into her pan, using her magic to hold it up and send the chunks to where they rightfully belonged. Pit was starting to get that queasy feeling in his stomach again.

"You can't make me eat that," said Pit, turning his head to the side with crossed arms. He made a pouty face in hopes that it would sway his goddess' decision, but she didn't seem to take a notice of it anyway.

"Maybe not," replied Palutena as she tossed the sizzling food items into the air. "But I can try!" She cranked the flames up to max and the garlic slices shrunk down in a near instant. The fused scent was a sure sign that this dish was just about done, and in a matter of minutes, the Goddess of Light had put down a plate for herself and her angelic companion. Pit just stared at the hot meal in front of him dumbfounded and nervous. He feared that Palutena would put some kind of curse on his mouth and force him to eat her food. And he wasn't about to ask her if she could nullify his taste buds for him either.

"I, uh… I have to go to the bathroom," he said after some thought before promptly getting up and leaving. That was a pretty smart move on his part since there was no way in Skyworld that Palutena was going to force him to stay if he had "business" to attend to. The last time she did that, well… let' just say things got a little messy.

"Well, better get it while it's hot!" she said to herself as she threw off her apron, lifted a fork, and began chomping down on her lunch. The taste was absolutely sensational, and never in her long and pampered life would she have realized how good carrots tasted when they were actually cooked! Tied with the freshly diced tomatoes, zucchinis, and the spicy teriyaki sauce Pac-Man had given her, this meal was turning out to be one of her best experiments yet! Oh, and of course there was the garlic. She couldn't forget that. She ended up cleaning her plate in "ten seconds flat," as Sonic would put it, and by the time she had gotten up to wash, Pit still hadn't return from his bathroom break. Maybe the thought of eating her mediocre cooking really _was_ starting to get to his head.

"_Oh well, more for me then_," thought the glamorous goddess with a chuckle as she began drying up some of the kitchenware. Her train of thought was soon interrupted, however, when a blunt farting noise escaped from her bountiful behind. It was clearly audible to anyone else who would have been standing in the room, but thankfully Pit still hadn't returned from his excursion. The goddess put a hand to her mouth and blushed slightly at her uncouthness. "_Excuse me._" But despite what she wanted to say, she only ended up laughing at the result. Little did she know that her body was on the verge of a very unusual transformation, one that could permanently change her position as a fighter in the ever expanding universe of Super Smash Brothers. The aftertaste of the garlic lingered in the back of her throat.


	2. Chapter 2

Palutena's Farting Dilemma

* * *

"Autoreticle!"

Palutena lifted up her glorious staff, firing a series of bolts at the cheeky monkey on the other side of the Battlefield. Diddy Kong immediately responded by putting up his shield, followed by a dash attack into forward-air.

The two had been locked in combat for a few minutes now, and the poor goddess was already down by one stock. The monkey boy was still sitting fine at three, and he was looking about as healthy as his damage meter. It was unfortunate how her next tournament match had to be against Diddy Kong since Diddy was known to be one of the most agile and hard-hitting of all the Smashers, especially when it came to aerial attacks. She couldn't even count on her fingers how many times the ape had thrown a banana peel at her, followed by a grab into down-throw into up-air followed by a "HOO HAH!" screech. It was starting to get ridiculous and poor Palutena was starting to grow tired of the match the more it wore on.

"Will you just die already!?" she shouted, performing a swift midair kick to the monkey's sleazy face.

Due to the heavy nature of her staff, she was having a problem with repositioning herself after using an attack. More often than not she found herself leaving herself open after a twirl of her sceptre, which was pretty much an invitation for Diddy to come in and jump on her face. If only he didn't have those damn banana peels!

She was able to nab his first stock thanks to her Reflector, launching the peel back in the monkey's direction and causing him to slip. The Goddess of Light followed through with a down-throw into up-air combo of her own, sending the small ape flying into oblivion. Of course, she had to throw out a taunt of her own, and even she couldn't resist giving a cry of "Hoo hah!" after that brilliant kill.

Diddy swiftly returned to the stage and the two were locked in combat yet again, although Palutena wasn't looking very healthy. Needless to say that Diddy was able to knock her out of bounds rather quickly and the struggle for control of the game raged on. It soon became "HOO HAH!" after "HOO HAH!" when her damage meter was low, and the divine lady was only able to secure another kill when she used her risky Counter to send Diddy Kong on a journey to the bottom of the stage. Thanks to his poor recovery in those Rocket Barrels, Diddy had no chance of escape. Palutena was quick to pull out another taunt, this time the one with the sexy pole dance that makes the author of this story wonder what Nintendo was thinking when they put that in the game.

With damage well over 100%, things were not looking good for her. Diddy respawned with nothing but bloodshed and vengeance in his eyes as he came dive-bombing at the woman from the upper platforms of the stage. Palutena used her Warp to get into a better position, but Diddy was persistent as always and was able to read the move with a "HOO!" although he didn't get a chance to secure the "HAH!" due to how high her damage was already.

Using her Reflector, Palutena was able to snatch up some more bananas and use them against the crazed ape. She began to pick up more momentum as aerials began connecting as intended, and she was even able to land a powerful up-smash thanks to the absurd range of her light beam. Unfortunately, she could only get Diddy's damage somewhere in the mid 50's, while she was approaching the danger zone at around the 160 area. The very thought of losing this tournament match was starting to make her anxious since she was already on a losing streak from the past few fights when she went up against Mario and then Sheik before that. It all came down to these last few seconds.

Diddy hurled another banana peel at her, but she wasn't able to react in time when it hit her. Palutena found herself slipping to the floor, with a stampeding monkey sprinting towards her and planning to shove his monkey foot up her ass. She anticipated the smash attack to come finish the job, so she immediately jumped to her feet and performed a Counter just as Diddy's feet connected.

To her surprise, the Counter didn't even end up going off. What happened instead was something she had never experienced before in her days as a Smasher, and she could barely comprehend what was going on before a monstrous fart ripped from her behind. Palutena was rocketed high into the sky, while poor Diddy Kong was met face first with the waft, resulting in an explosion that sent the monkey hurling to the other side of the stage, past the ledge, and overshooting the boundary area. He was KO'd almost instantaneously, but Palutena didn't even notice this as she hovered back down to the ground, the cheeks on her face (or otherwise) red as a beat.

"Oh my goodness," she muttered with a hand to her mouth. "What on earth just happened?"

Apparently she had let loose an attack rivaling that of a fully charged Wario Waft, but she knew as well as anyone that the move was not available to her (not even as a custom). It seemed that the constant thrashing she was getting during the match resulted in a huge buildup of gas that only had one way of escaping. Invoking the Counter is what triggered it, but she was still baffled by how powerful the move was despite the fact that it wasn't very ladylike at all.

Regardless, she was satisfied by the fact that she was able to give Captain Hoo-Hah a very humiliating defeat. The next thing she knew, she was transported to the results screen where Diddy Kong gave a confused and reluctant applause to the goddess' winning strategy. Of course, Palutena didn't consider _that_ to be any kind of viable battle tactic. She was more impressed that she was able to still stand after experiencing a quake like that.

"The winner is… Palutena!"


	3. Chapter 3

Palutena's Farting Dilemma

* * *

While a good handful of the Smash Mansion's residents were still locked in combat on the tourney-approved stages like Battlefield, Smashville, and Gaur Plains (ha, yeah right), Palutena was in the courtyard engaged in a battle of wits with the highly exalted prince of Altea. She sat upon a quaint little stool beneath the generous shade of a large umbrella, while Marth was seated across the table, pondering on whether he should move his knight or his rook.

"I'm surprised you were able to get out of your match so fast without forfeiting," commented Marth as he rubbed his delicate hand under his chin. "Diddy Kong can be very frustrating to take on."

"Yeah," replied Palutena with an awkward chuckle. "Those bananas come in handy when you can use them against him."

Marth swiftly moved one of his pieces in front of Palutena's king, not even giving her response any sign of a notice.

"Check."

Unfortunately for the Goddess of Light, her chess game was not looking as good as it normally did. She was still wondering what in the world had caused her to produce such fowl gases during the last match, so much so that it already cost her a queen and both of her bishops. Even under the protective dome of the umbrella, she could feel the heat of the sun penetrating her skull as she racked her brain for any kind of an explanation. Or perhaps that was just her nerves getting the best of her? In truth, she was embarrassed to even think about this sort of thing, especially in front of Altean royalty. Why the heck did she even come out to the courtyard in the first place?

"By the way, your tulips look lovely today," said Marth.

Palutena glanced at one of the nearby flowerbeds in the area. She had a whole section all to herself for her flowers, which mostly consisted of purple and yellow tulips. The bed next to hers belonged to Peach, which was a mere turnip garden, and beyond that sat Olimar's Pikpik carrot patch. She had come out after her brawl with Diddy in order to water the garden seeing as how it had already been a week (she was kind of absentminded when it came to these sort of things), and was thereafter invited by Marth to play a game of chess with him. Seeing as how she really had no excuse for joining in on their semi-weekly games (besides the farting thing, but again, she wasn't about to talk about _that_) she found herself sitting down across from the prince to play a quick round.

"Why thank you, Marth," replied Palutena with a smile. "I'm glad that someone enjoys them. Pit's always complaining to me that he's allergic to them, but I'm pretty sure that's just the ragweed."

"I'm sure they smell lovely." Marth took a small sip of his iced tea (compliments of Lucina; that girl is _always_ trying to get on the Hero-King's good side). "Your move by the way."

Palutena eyed her small force of wooden pieces, realizing that she was grossly outnumbered by Marth's army. He had placed them in a very strategic position, forcing her to either back her king into a corner or sacrifice one of her rooks. What was even more infuriating was that her knight was completely pinned down by his queen, meaning that if she were to move it, then her king would certainly be taken. It was a real shame considering that the knight was in the perfect position to set up a check in her favor.

"Oh rats," she said, shrugging her elegant shoulders ever so slightly. "I'm not sure what I want to do here."

"Take your time," he replied. "Patience is all part of the game."

She analyzed the board once more, looking for any kind of crack in Marth's sturdy wall. She had an assortment of pawns, however, most of them were still backed onto her side of the board, making them rather useless. Marth, on the other hand, had a pawn far within her own territory, and the only thing that was preventing it from progressing any further was one of her rooks in the backline. She could move her rook to block the attack, but of course that would only result in Marth retrieving another rook onto her side with the aid of his infiltrator pawn. Indeed, it looked like she was caught in a bit of a dilemma. She wasn't about to throw the game, however, since this match was actually the tie breaker from about four dozen games of chess these past few months. To give it all away now because of some farting problem, well, that wasn't something she was willing to do.

Palutena took hold of a piece, but ended up putting it back down to grab a different one. She bit her lip in uncertainty, knowing full well that this move would surely be the most crucial moment for her in the entire game.

Just thinking about all of this was starting to make her stomach gurgle in the most unsettling of ways.

"Hey losers!" came an obnoxious voice from the mansion door.

Palutena and Marth broke out of their concentration, noticing a certain plump Italian man walking towards them with a very unhappy look on his mustached face.

"Good afternoon, Wario," greeted Marth casually. "How are-"

"Can it you sissy," replied Wario with grimace. "I don't have time for small talk!" He waltzed right up to the table, almost knocking it over with his fat belly in the process. Palutena ended up dropping one of her pawns under the table, but bending down to grab it only forced a small whistle of gas to escape from her behind. She sat up straight with a sheepish smile, hoping that neither of the other Smashers had heard that unladylike sound.

Fortunately for her, they didn't.

"What is the meaning of this?" questioned Marth, dropping the nice act seeing as how Wario clearly didn't come over just to say hi.

"Listen up you two," he snarled. "Someone has stolen my special garlic! I keep it in the kitchen in the back of all the other spices so that no one will touch it." He eyed the two Smashers suspiciously, narrowing his eyes on Marth and then shifting over to Palutena. "Now who took it?"

Palutena backed away from the greasy man slightly, somewhat afraid and embarrassed as she realized that she was the one who had taken Wario's garlic from the jar. But she couldn't say anything about it now! As long as Marth was sitting right there, she had to keep her mouth shut, otherwise she'd risk her dignity and her status as the Goddess of Light. If word got out that she had taken the garlic and was on a mad farting spree, she'd be the laughing stock of the mansion for years to come!

She could feel the sour breath of the man singe the tip of her nose, but thankfully Marth spoke up to draw his attention.

"Are you sure you didn't lose it?" he said honestly. "No offense Wario, but you have a habit of misplacing things in the mansion. Remember the Dream Tap incident?"

Wario could remember that incident quite clearly actually, but now was neither the time nor the place to discuss such irrelevant matters.

"I didn't lose it!" he protested. "Someone stole it!"

"Did you ask Kirby?" asked Palutena as nonchalantly as she could. "Or King Dedede?"

There was a slight crack in her voice as she spoke, but Wario seemed too agitated to notice.

"Both of them are in a brawl right now," he replied through gritted teeth. "I'm going to ask them as soon as they finish."

"You're best to start with them then," said Marth. "Do we look like people who would want to steal _your_ garlic?"

Palutena let out an awkward laugh, hoping that he wouldn't see through her mediocre acting. Wario glared at her, giving a loud snort before promptly turning on his heels.

"Just you wait, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this," he mumbled as he stormed off. "When I get my hands on that sneaky thief, I'm gonna shove a plunger so far up his ass that…"

But his words trailed off before the other two could hear him; Palutena was reluctant to know exactly what he intended on finishing that sentence with. Thankfully, he had gone back into the mansion, leaving the other two Smashers back to their game.

"I'll never understand Wario," muttered Marth before he took another sip of his drink. "Anyway, it's still your turn." He paused momentarily before remembering the fallen pawn. "Oh hang on, let me get that for you." He backed his seat up a bit in order to get down beneath the table.

"No wait, Marth!" cried Palutena, knowing full well that if Marth went under the table, he was bound to smell _something_.

Without thinking, Palutena reached down to swipe her piece from his hand. In doing so, she ended up ripping a ginormous fart through her dress, causing Marth to jump up at the sudden burst of sound and slam his head against the bottom of the table. Chess pieces flew into the air, and Palutena ended up falling right off her seat unable to contain the wretched gases any further. A monsoon of fecal mist exploded from her butt, like a giant Mr. Game and Watch insecticide pump. Needless to say that Marth's face made direct contact with the reeking green vapours, leaving a burning taste in his mouth like red hot chili peppers. He screamed in horror, shielding himself with his arms, his eyes leaking as if he had walked right into a fog of teargas.

With the last of the farts finally squeezed out of her (for now), Palutena picked herself up off the ground, albeit on her knees. She leaned over to find Marth sitting on the pavement next to the overturned table, sobbing with his face in his hands. His beverage was now spilled all over the patio, along with various chess pieces of both colors. Now she was _really_ starting to feel bad. Out of motherly instinct, she slid over and wrapped her arms around Marth, bringing him into a comforting hug. He cried and cried, unsure of what to make of this horrific and certainly uncouth event. The two ended up sitting there for several minutes while he let it all out. Palutena was beginning to think that perhaps telling Wario about the garlic may have been the proper decision after all.

She eventually noticed that her tulips had all wilted from the wretched stench.


	4. Chapter 4

Palutena's Farting Dilemma

* * *

Life stinks, and when you become a nonstop farting machine, it only ends up smelling worse.

That's more or less what Palutena ended up saying to Peach after she asked the pink princess to meet with her somewhere in private. She wasn't particularly enthusiastic about requesting such a thing either since her little farting problem was more embarrassing than shameful. The two were seated out on Peach's balcony overlooking the glorious courtyard where Palutena and Marth had been playing chess just minutes before. The poor Altean prince ended up locking himself in his room after receiving a lethal spray from Palutena's gases, and was likely dumping his head in a bucket of bleach right about now. Several Smashers who overheard the commotion were about as curious as a litter of Nintendog puppies, but no matter who tried to approach him, Marth refused to open the door.

Granted, this wasn't the first time Marth had broken down into a puddle of tears. There had been several instances where Marth had cried, be it during his favorite soap operas, or during thunderstorms. He even cried at last year's New Year's party (that might have just been the alcohol though).

He was a good fighter, but everyone knew him to be a softy.

"So what was it you wanted to talk to me about, Palutena?" asked Peach before taking a sip of her freshly made tea.

Palutena looked down, hesitating as she tried to figure out how to word this. The two of them were sitting beneath the shade of a perky umbrella at a quaint little table that matched Peach's dress. This time of day was actually in the middle of Peach's teatime, but she didn't mind Palutena joining her for a little while. In fact, Peach quite enjoyed having company. Those biscuits certainly weren't going to eat themselves now were they?

"Something's been bothering me lately," replied Palutena, looking out at the sunny distance. "But I… don't really know how to put it."

What was she supposed to say, really? "I've been having these uncontrollable urges to fart and whenever I let it out, my butt erupts like Viridi dropped a Reset Bomb in a volcano."

Yeah, that'll go over real smooth.

"Oh dear, I know what the problem is," said Peach, putting down her teacup ever so gently. Palutena glanced at her curiously, noticing a worried look on her face. "You're thinking about quitting the tournament."

"What?" spat Palutena. "No, absolutely not!" Truthfully, she had no intention of resigning from the tournament, but now she was curious as to how Peach even arrived at that preposterous conclusion in the first place.

"Don't worry; it happens to the best of us," replied Peach calmly. "You don't have to hide anything from me, Palutena. We get newcomers every year who aren't sure of how well they're going to perform in the upcoming season. That's how we lost Roy, the Ice Climbers, and Snake as well." She reached across the table delicately and clasped Palutena's hand. "If you need to leave then please don't worry. I understand you completely."

Palutena pulled away from the princess awkwardly, earning a queer glance from Peach.

"I'm not quitting," said the goddess seriously. "And I'm holding my own in the tournament just fine thank you very much. Why just earlier today-"

She cut herself off, recalling how she ended up winning that ridiculous match against Diddy Kong. Peach noticed her hesitation, tilting her head to the side slightly out of concern.

"Hm?..."

"Ugh… Never mind," said Palutena. "That's not important right now." She took a deep breath, knowing full well where she had to take this conversation if she had any hope of putting a halt to this madness. "Listen. There's something going on right now with my body and it's really embarrassing. I'm going to try and explain this as best I can, but you have to promise not to laugh. Understand?"

Peach suddenly looked a lot more interested in the conversation, especially after hearing the words "body" and "embarrassing" strung together in the same sentence. This ought to be good.

"I promise," she said, putting up a hand as a sign of honesty.

"Okay then." Palutena paused. "So this morning I made lunch for Pit in the kitchen, and I accidentally threw one of Wario's garlic cloves in the food." Peach raised an eyebrow curiously, but the Goddess of Light ignored it. "I almost felt sick after that, but the pain went away after I… um… After I…"

Her cheeks began to flush with embarrassment, and she found it difficult to maintain eye contact with the pink princess across the tiny table. Peach had a feeling she knew what Palutena was trying to say, but there was no point in blurting it out. After all, if she ended up being way off on her guess, what would that say about her character?

"After you?..." responded Peach, leaning forward a little in anticipation.

"After I…" Palutena looked down in shame, but the next word coming out of her mouth was nothing less than a whisper. "Farted…"

"What was that?" asked Peach. She wasn't fooling around; she legitimately didn't hear what Palutena said since she mumbled it so quietly.

"Farted," repeated the goddess, a bit louder this time.

"I'm sorry?" Peach put a hand to her ear.

"I farted okay!" spat Palutena, shaking her head in frustration. "I ate the garlic and it gave me gas!" Maybe she was overthinking the situation, but she felt like she had to uphold a certain level of etiquette being in front of the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom. She may have been an all-powerful goddess, but that didn't mean that Palutena didn't have any sense of courtesy.

She was starting to sweat and she could feel the stress from the conversation causing a rupture somewhere "down there," but she fought it back with all her might without so much as giving a wince.

To her surprise, Princess Peach wasn't disgusted at all by her claim.

"Is that it?" she asked. "That's not that big of a deal." She looked off into the distance with a small smirk. "You make it sound like you've never passed gas before."

True, this wasn't the first time Palutena had let out a fart, but these series of farts have been much different from the normal ones that came and went from sentient beings. They were painful, putrid, and positively explosive! Certainly that wasn't something that any regular person would deem normal.

"You don't understand though," said Palutena desperately. "I can't control them at all." She felt her bowels churning without remorse. "They just keep coming back, the next one more powerful than the last. I think the garlic I found was the one Wario uses to transform into Wario Man."

"Don't be ridiculous," replied Peach, waving a delicate hand. "You probably changed something in your diet recently without realizing it. I heard that Wii Fit Trainer's yoga sessions will also do that to people."

It's a little known fact, but yoga has been proven to help excrete fecal matter from the anus.

"It's the garlic, I'm telling you," said Palutena. "I've only been feeling this way since lunchtime, and even Wario himself approached me earlier asking if I knew where the garlic was."

"Well did you tell him?"

"Of course not! Do you know what would happen if word got out that I can't stop farting?!"

"Shh," said Peach, lowering her head slightly and reminding Palutena that they were still technically sitting outside. "It's alright."

"Imagine me, the Goddess of Light," continued Palutena, looking away as sparkling tears glistened in her eyes, "banished from the Super Smash Brothers not because I am overly powerful, or overly beautiful, but because I keep having gas. It's an embarrassment to both mortals and immortals alike! How I call myself a goddess when I can't even control something as simple as my bowel movements?" She felt another kick to her large intestine, forcing her to grab her stomach as she strained herself to hold it all in. A silent whistle ended up escaping from her tightened cheeks, and to be frank, it felt like someone had shoved a Klaptrap up her butt. Peach's nostrils instantly picked up the spicy scent, giving her no choice but to pinch her nose in distaste.

"Oh my goodness!" she cried. "You weren't kidding!"

She pulled out a pink spray bottle and began disinfecting the immediate area around her tea set. Palutena's face continued to flash red with embarrassment as she watched Peach get up and spray down everything within a ten foot radius. The smell of fresh strawberries soon began to fill the atmosphere, but the air that circulated around Palutena's body still smelled a little weird.

"This calls for drastic measures," said Peach. "You wait right here!"

Peach scurried off back into her room, making sure to shut the sliding glass door behind her.

Palutena was still trying to hold it all in at this point, but the fact that she was now sitting out here by herself gave her all the more reason to just let it go. She spread her legs far apart, unleashing the foul beast that she had been trying so hard to contain this whole time. A monstrous odour of congested bodily fluids erupted from under her dress, sending a blast of wind and tiny particles that will not be named under the table and out into the open air. The sanitized area around the balcony was immediately consumed in a mass of green cloud, dispersing into the atmosphere like a child having diarrhea in a public swimming pool.

She was probably going to have to give her gown a wash-down after this.

Palutena leaned back in her seat and heaved a heavy (but very relieved) sigh. Her backside still stung a little, singed with the remains of whatever it was that escaped from her insides, but the sense of liberation was overwhelming nevertheless. She let out a small giggle before breaking out into a fit of laughter by herself in the middle of the balcony.

"Hm? What's so funny?" asked Peach as she emerged from the sanctity of her dorm room.

Palutena sat up straight and put her legs together, retaining that refined and ladylike look that everyone recognized her by.

"Oh, nothing," she replied. "I just feel a lot better now." She looked up, noticing Peach was wearing a white face mask (the kind that doctors use in hospitals when performing surgeries).

"This is just temporary until the air clears up," said Peach, producing a small perfume bottle from behind her back. "Anyway, this is for you." She handed Palutena the pink bottle, which had a fancy little nozzle on top. The bottle itself was in the shape of a rosebud.

"Perfume?" asked Palutena. She didn't really see where Peach was going with this, especially since she (among the rest of the female members of the Smash Bros. cast) already had a plentiful amount of personal perfume supplied by Master Hand. He mostly got those free from spectators during the tournament, but he sure as hell wasn't going to use them, and he certainly wasn't about to give them to Crazy Hand either unless he felt like burning the mansion to the ground.

"Not just any perfume," said Peach. "This is my own secret recipe, guaranteed to conquer even the most intrusive of smells. All I have to do is dab a bit of this on my neck, and Wario won't come anywhere close to me during the day. It's specifically designed to remove tough odors and replace them with something much more refreshing."

Oh Arceus, this is starting to sound like an air freshener commercial…

"I see…" replied Palutena, studying the vial in her hand. "So if I use this, it will get rid of the smell?"

"It should," said Peach. "I'm not saying that it _will_, but it should. In any case, you will eventually run out of gas. This perfume should make getting around the mansion a little easier for you, or at least until this problem finally blows over." She paused momentarily. "Pardon the pun."

Palutena smiled in response, examining the mysterious liquid in the bottle yet again. She was feeling much better about herself now, and it was reassuring to hear that there was a chance she could outlive this blasted farting situation by just enduring it a bit more. And if the Smashers ever suspected anything, she could just throw on some perfume and no one would be the wiser! It was the prefect crime, and hopefully by the end of the day she would feel back to her pure and righteous self without any worries besides the tournament and what she was going to make Pit for his next meal.

Little did she realize however, that Wario was still on the prowl looking for the garlic thief. And if there was one thing that the Smashers learned after living with Wario for so many years, it was to never come between him and his garlic.

For there was a reason why Wario treasured his garlic so much.

And it certainly didn't have anything to do with the taste.


	5. Chapter 5

Palutena's Farting Dilemma

* * *

Well, Peach was right about one thing: The perfume definitely got rid of the smell. No longer could Palutena catch the scent of lingering bathroom particles in the air, for now her body odors had been replaced with something much more clean, like a mix between sweet bananas and rose petals. The aroma was simply captivating, and any Smasher who didn't have a strong sense of willpower found themselves becoming immediately infatuated with the smell if they so much as came within a six foot radius of the goddess.

"Hmhmhm, hey this isn't so bad at all," exclaimed Palutena as she trotted down the mansion's western hall. She passed by one of the commons areas, noticing a few Smashers turning their heads upon catching a whiff of her refreshing scent. "I'm still getting attention, but at least it's not negative attention. Oh!"

She stopped to say hi to Pikachu, who was making his way to the pool to relax after a hard day's match. He was easy enough to greet with a simple pat on the head and a scratch on the chin, but Palutena didn't even need to budge before the mouse Pokémon was captured by her scent. His cheeks suddenly burned with redness, so much so that the blush could be seen on his own nose. Almost as if in a trance, Pikachu sank to the floor, a series of bubbles and small hearts floating up from where he was lying.

Palutena gave a semi-disturbed look.

"Um… Pikachu? Are you okay?" she asked. She reached down, noticing that his body was unusually hot. Oddly enough he didn't look sick at all, and he almost seemed to flinch upon contact as if his fur had been overcome by a sensitive nerve. "What on earth…"

"Pika…" mumbled the Pokémon, although he seemed to be quite pleased about something.

"Hey Palutena," came a voice from behind.

Palutena turned around to find herself standing face to face with… no one.

"Huh? Someone there?" she said, looking around.

"Down here."

She glanced towards the floor to find Olimar staring up at her with a smile and waving. With her slender height and his apparent shortness, it's no wonder she didn't notice him before.

"Oh, hi Olimar," replied Palutena warmly. "Sorry I didn't see you standing there."

"It's fine… No one ever does…"

She remembered her perfume, hesitating slightly.

"So what's up?" she asked. She was secretly hoping that Olimar would notice a new smell in the air.

"Not much," he replied. "Just heading out to the garden to pull some weeds."

"That's nice."

"What about you?"

"Oh you know just… hanging around I guess," said Palutena. "I've been trying out this new perfume that Peach gave me." She pushed the side of her elegant hair back slightly. "What do you think?"

There was a small pause before Olimar responded.

"Don't ask me," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "I can't smell, remember?"

It took Palutena a second to realize what he meant before he tapped the side of his helmet. Being a resident of Hocotate, the air in the mansion was poisonous to Olimar, which is why he always wore his trusty space suit everywhere he went, even to the daily tournament matches.

"Ah, right," replied Palutena with a small laugh. "How silly of me to forget."

"It's no big deal." Olimar shooed his hand as if to dismiss her comment. "Anyway, what's in it?"

"Bananas and roses as far as I know." Palutena took another deep breath of her own scent. "Maybe with a pinch of cinnamon, although I think I smell a strawberry in there somewhere."

Olimar chuckled.

"Well whatever it is, Pikachu certainly likes it," he said.

Palutena looked down at her leg to find Pikachu latched onto it like a baby koala bear. It was kind of cute for a second before she noticed him start to move his body up and down.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?!" cried Palutena. She immediately began trying to shake Pikachu off her leg, hopping around on one foot as if this was some sort of comedy act. Pikachu didn't seem to notice at all as he continued to hold on tightly, muttering small "Pi's" and "Pika's."

Whatever was in that perfume was driving him to grab onto her and (for lack of a better word) hump her leg.

"Uh huh, I've seen this before," said Olimar, studying the weird performance before him as if he was a scientist (he kind of was). "It's a natural instinct hardwired into animals' brains to prevent problems with their internal reproductive systems."

Palutena stopped, holding up her leg as Pikachu continued to go to town.

"Huh?" she said.

"Pikachu's in heat," replied Olimar.

"Well yeah, I kind of figured that!" Palutena grabbed the small Pokémon, attempting to pry it off of her with all her might. Unfortunately, nothing seemed to be working. Even when she resorted to smashing his body against the wall, Pikachu was stuck to her worse than glue in a feather factory. "Don't just stand there; get him off me!"

"Okay, hang on!" Olimar ran up to grab Pikachu by the tail, but was knocked back when a jolt of electricity sprung from the tip and shocked him. "Ouch! That smarts…"

"Hey, is everything okay over there?" called Ike's voice from afar.

Palutena and Olimar glanced down the hall to find Ike and Toon Link walking past the intersection. The two appeared to be just standing there, having just stumbled upon the bizarre scene.

"Uh, yep! Everything's fine!" replied Palutena, trying to cover Pikachu with some of her dress. "We're just um, trying to install a new nightlight over here! Would you believe Master Hand put those Waddle Dees in charge of setting up the plugs in this mansion? Utter craziness I tell ya."

"Pika… Pika…" said Pikachu, who was apparently having the time of his life, or about a good a time as anyone being satisfied by one of Palutena's succulent limbs.

Ike and Toon Link exchanged an awkward glance with each other.

"Um… Alright if you're sure," said Ike. The two Smashers continued on their way to wherever it was they were going, figuring that they had seen much weirder things going on in the mansion before like the time Ganondorf tried sacrificing Sonic to the fire gods.

Palutena kept a raw smile on her face as she watched the swordsmen leave before turning her attention back to Pikachu with a look of pure irritation.

"I will not have my body soiled by a mere Pokémon," she said seriously, producing her sceptre from seemingly out of nowhere. "I'm sorry Pikachu, but you leave me no choice."

"Wait! Don't blast him!" cried Olimar. "I have a better idea." He blew his whistle, summoning a group of Yellow Pikmin who came stampeding down the hall. The troops stopped before their leader at attention, awaiting their next orders. "Alright guys, get Pikachu off of her!"

The Yellow Pikmin pack gave a salute, and the next thing anyone knew they had all jumped on Pikachu and began bashing their heads into him with no mercy. Since they were the Yellow type, they were completely immune to Pikachu's electric attacks, but that of course didn't stop the Pokémon from shocking Palutena accidentally.

"Gah- Olimar!" she cried in between jolts. "You better- Ah! Hope this- Ow! Plan works!"

"Don't worry; I have everything under control!" he replied. "Keep going men! Show that mouse who's boss!"

The Pikmin continued walloping poor Pikachu, so much to the point where there were several visible bruises on his fur. Soon enough, the Pikmin were able to pry Pikachu off of Palutena, falling to the floor in a heap of exhaustion and muttering a "Pika Pi…" before drifting off to sleep.

Palutena quickly examined her leg for any sign of… stuff… but thankfully all that was there was a few chafe marks from Pikachu's aggressive rubbing.

"Thank you, Olimar," said Palutena, a little tuckered out from all the excitement. "That took much longer than I thought it would though."

"Eh, they're Pikmin, not miracle workers," he replied calmly. "But I'm glad we took care of that." He turned to his Pikmin. "Great job guys. Do me one more favor and carry this sad sack of potatoes to his room. I'll call you if I need anything else."

The Yellow Pikmin gave another salute before gathering around Pikachu's body and lifting him up with a valiant effort. They then began carrying him down the hall, all the while muttering their signature, "heeve-ho, heeve-ho" chant that all Pikmin did.

"That was so strange," said Palutena as she watched the Pikmin leave. "I've never seen Pikachu act like that before."

"It's got to be that perfume," replied Olimar. "There's something inside of it that made him go crazy like that." He glanced back and forth down the hall in case anyone else was coming. "If I were you, I'd stay away from the others. If that smell did that to Pikachu, imagine what it could do to Greninja, or Charizard…"

Palutena shuddered at the thought.

"It's only the Pokémon through right?" she asked. "I mean, I passed by a room where some of our friends were sitting and no one came chasing after me like that."

"Anyone who can think cognitively should be fine. I wouldn't put it past any of the nonhuman Smashers though." Olimar tapped his foot in thought. "You ought to figure out a way to wash that smell off pronto before things get out of hand again."

Well this was just fantastic. This whole day Palutena had been worried about her little farting problem, afraid that the Smashers would find out that she can't stop letting loose gases like something out of a twisted Super Smash Bros. fanfiction. Thankfully, she hadn't felt the need to fart since her teatime with Peach, but now she was dealing with another issue entirely. The perfume may have covered up the stink, but this whole mess was starting to smell of something equally foul.

"I can live with the smell," said Palutena plainly. "I just need to watch my back from now on." In actuality, if this perfume was in fact covering her farts, she figured she would just deal with the lighter repercussions. Really all she had to do was put up with this until all of her internal gases were relinquished, so the trade-off didn't seem that bad at all in comparison.

"If you need any help, I could always lend you some of my Pikmin," said Olimar. "All of them should be fine except for the Red ones since I do believe they have noses."

"That's very nice of you, but I think I'll be okay. Maybe I'll go check up on Pit or something and see how he's doing."

Suddenly, one of the nearby doors opened up, and out stepped Captain Falcon, Donkey Kong, and Mr. Game &amp; Watch. They appeared to be in a bit of a relaxed state, having finished whatever activity it was they were doing in one of the commons rooms.

"Man, that was some show," said Falcon, giving his back a long stretch. "I didn't think we'd ever be able to marathon the entirety of Dragonball in one day, but it really helps when you skip the episode previews!"

Mr. Game &amp; Watch nodded his head, popping a 2D popcorn into his mouth casually.

"But man, I'm kind of hungry," muttered Falcon. "You guys wanna grab some grub?" Something in the air suddenly caught his nose, and he found himself sniffing around for a bit before saying, "Hey hey! Something smells womanly out here!"

He noticed Palutena and Olimar further down the hall, but also saw that Donkey Kong had become enraptured by the scent. The big ape had a huge grin on his face as the smell of Palutena's perfume entered his nostrils, and it wasn't long before small hearts and bubbles began rising from his face like something out of a cheesy anime.

Palutena froze in her heels, realizing that Donkey Kong had more than just the bananas in her perfume on his mind.

"On second thought," said Palutena, "I'll take whatever Pikmin you can lend me."

She immediately ran off, using her Super Speed to fly down the hall at an incredible pace. Olimar didn't even have time to notice before he realized Donkey Kong was stampeding towards him with an unhealthy amount of lust in his eyes.

"P-Palutena, wait for me!" cried the space man, before he sped away as far as his stubby legs would take him, Donkey Kong in tow.

As the three Smashers disappeared around the corner, Captain Falcon stood there scratching his helmeted head in confusion.

"Um… What just happened?" he asked.

Mr. Game &amp; Watch shrugged his shoulders and gave an exasperated sigh. He was always good at doing that since it was one of his taunts.


	6. Chapter 6

Palutena's Farting Dilemma

* * *

Outside the mansion, Palutena was sitting on the ground miserably as hose water came dripping down her hair. Her accomplice, Olimar, whistled a familiar tune as he continued to spray her down, attempting to wash Princess Peach's perfume off of her.

"So let me get this straight," said Olimar. "You knowingly ingested Wario's forbidden garlic in order to help you perform better in the tournament?"

Palutena shook her head, water droplets raining down her sides. She continued to rest her head on her knees with her arms wrapped around her legs.

"It was an accident," she explained. "But the garlic power helped me defeat Diddy Kong in a match today." She sighed. "On the other hand, I made a mockery of myself in front of Captain Falcon and Game &amp; Watch, and I probably scarred Marth for life this morning."

Olimar nodded his head, noticing a tap on his leg from one of his nearby Pikmin. Apparently, the smell of perfume on Palutena was long gone, and so he killed the water to let the sun's rays do its thing.

"Oh, I see," he said, but Palutena didn't budge from her spot. She sat there facing the garden, her back to him like a wall. "Well, on the positive side, the perfume is all gone now."

"So I'm back to square one then," she sighed. It was a shame really. The whole point of the perfume was to mask the smell of her farts, but it looked as though the new smell only gave her more problems than she needed. It seemed as though they were going to have to find another way out of this.

"Wait, did you say the garlic helped you beat Diddy Kong?" asked Olimar.

"Yeah…" It was the truth, but Palutena wasn't sure if she wanted to get into specific details about that brawl. Not only was she getting her butt handed to her, but the only reason she won was because she literally handed her butt over to Diddy Kong.

"Like, did he just faint from the mere smell?"

"Not exactly." Palutena twiddled her delicate thumbs. "He kind of got launched into the blast zone because the gas was so…explosive."

"You mean like a Wario Waft?"

"Yes."

"Hmm, interesting." The short man rubbed his hand to the bottom of his helmet. "By eating the garlic, you somehow managed to copy Wario's ability of creating explosive farts. Maybe that's where his power comes from?"

Whether Palutena wanted to believe it or not she wasn't really concerned with. Wario had always been known as a mischievous character, and quite frankly she never wanted to have anything to do with him since she met him. He was rude, gross, and worst of all he stank like he had been cleaning sewer pipes all day. Was it possible that his signature attack came from the very pores of his sacred garlic cloves?

"I wouldn't be surprised," said Palutena. "If there's one thing I know about Wario, it's that he loves his garlic."

"Your farts come and go about as often as his does too, right?" Olimar caught himself at the end that sentence, not really sure if it was appropriate to use such an inappropriate word around a goddess. Palutena's reluctant look told him otherwise. "If I had to guess, I'd say that the garlic is the source of Wario's power. That explains why he eats one whenever he transforms into Wario Man!"

It was common knowledge among the Smashers that Wario had this strange ability to become super-fast and strong all by eating his sacred garlic. With the help of a Smash Ball, his power goes through the roof, and he's capable of levelling the entire Wrecking Crew stage by letting loose his own farts. It was a really nasty attack, but no one in the mansion ever questioned it because it's Wario.

"Well how do I get rid of it?" Palutena whined. "I can't live the rest of my life like this. I'd have to leave Skyworld." She gasped. "I'd have to abandon Pit and Dark Pit, and live my life as a hermit among the mushrooms of some far away swamp." She could see it now, Palutena, the once beautiful Goddess of Light, now reduced to nothing but a shriveled old woman in a green bubble of noxious gas. She had no friends, and anything she touched withered away almost instantaneously. Occasionally her beloved angel Pit would show up and drop off a basket of baked goods, but he'd have to leave them several yards away from her hole-in-the-ground home in order to avoid suffocation. At least the cookies were nice. "Oh what am I going to doooo!?" Palutena threw her arms up and began to cry.

"Hey, take it easy!" replied Olimar, covering himself from the raining tears. "Your farts aren't _that_ bad."

"That's easy for you to say," sniffled Palutena. "You have a space suit on." She wiped her tears away, but her depression remained. "Maybe I should just quit Super Smash Bros." She closed her eyes. "No one wants to play with a goddess that farts all the time."

She sunk her head and began to contemplate on what she should do. There were various options floating around in her head at this point, all of which involved retiring in one way or another. She simply couldn't bear to be around her friends in this condition, let alone with herself.

Olimar tried to think of something to cheer her up, but ultimately the only thing that would make her happy is getting rid of this problem once and for all.

"Maybe you should talk to Wario," he said, while the few Pikmin that were nearby nodded their heads in agreement.

"No," replied Palutena adamantly. "I can't do that. If he finds out that I ate his garlic, I'll never be able to live it down! Everyone will know how much of a mockery I am!"

"Like they haven't yet? Look, you can't run away from your problems forever. So why don't you go to the source? And who cares what Wario thinks? What's he going to do, sit on you? You're the Goddess of Light for crying out loud! If anything, he should be scared of you for tarnishing your pure reputation!"

Palutena blinked, her gaze falling onto Olimar who had his little fists clenched with determination. He was right, and she knew in her heart that no matter how much she hated it, eventually she was going to have to come clean. Farting problem or no farting problem, being a coward was never the right thing to do.

"But what if…" she sniffled. "What if they make fun of me?"

He clasped her hand.

"Then I'll be right there getting laughed at with you," Olimar responded, staring into her eyes. "If they can't accept you for who you are then that's their problem—not yours."

His encouraging words struck her deeply. Palutena couldn't be thankful enough for having a friend as caring as Olimar. She never would have guessed before this whole farting thing that she would ever have this kind of relationship with anyone, let alone a man barely as high as her own waist. As much as she hated what she had become, she felt comfort in knowing that there was finally someone there for her to lean on. She almost wanted to cry again.

"You'd really do that for me, Olimar?" she asked.

"Anything to help a friend," he replied. "That's what friends are for, aren't they?"

She squeezed him into a big hug.

"Oh thank you, thank you!" she cried. "You are such an angel!"

"Ergh, Palutena, can you—" but the rest of his speech was cut off as he was buried in between her breasts.

"Ah, sorry," she replied, blushing slight. She quickly released him from her womanly grasp, leaving the small man to sputter in a daze as cartoonish hearts floated around his head. "Got a little carried away there."

"No, no, it's alright," said Olimar, snapping himself out of it. "Ahem. Um, so you want to go find Wario and settle this thing once and for all?"

"Yes," she said truthfully. "I can't avoid it any longer. It's like with every person I run in to, I only end up making a fool of myself. I still feel bad for Marth after what happened to him this morning…"

"You can apologize later. Right now, we need to figure out how to get rid of your gas, and Wario is our only hope. We can go find him after you dry off completely."

"Oh, there's no need." Palutena looked up at the sun, the rays drying her hair and clothes off in a matter of seconds. "That's one of the perks of being a goddess."

"You couldn't have just done that sooner?"

She stuck her tongue at him. "Come on, silly."

Palutena got up and headed back towards the mansion, Olimar tailing closely behind. Some of his Pikmin took that as their cue to follow him, but he quickly dismissed them seeing as how they probably wouldn't be needed for this. They eventually made their way out of the garden, past the patio, through the hedge maze, and onto the stone steps of the mansion.

"So what are you going to say to him?" asked Olimar, although he already knew the answer.

"I'm going to say, 'Wario, tell me how to get rid of these stupid farts,'" she replied.

"And what are you going to do if he declines?"

"I'm going to give him a taste of his own medicine. Err, not like that I mean. I'll probably kick him in the shin or something."

"That should do it," said Olimar cheerfully. "Let's do this."

Palutena reached for the double doors, preparing to open them with swift force. She could see herself storming through the mansion corridors, bypassing each and every Smasher along the way, stomping up to the greasy Italian man himself and shoving her foot in his mouth. It was time to be mean, serious, and most importantly fabulous while doing so.

As she opened the doors, the PA system wired throughout the mansion grounds had sprung to life. It was common for Master Hand to use this as a means to make important announcements, and sometimes Crazy Hand would even take charge on the off-chance he escaped from his cage. As expected, Master Hand's voice came booming all over the mansion. Unfortunately, he wasn't here to announce any of his daily Smash News.

"This is a message for Lady Palutena," he said. His tone didn't sound very impressed either. "Please come down to my office immediately. Again, Lady Palutena, please meet me in my office. Immediately."

The microphone cut off and all of a sudden Palutena felt her determination wither away in an instant. And just when she thought this day couldn't get any worse…


End file.
